He looks like this:
Talks Like this:
And, acts like this:
now that's out way....It was the beginning of the fall semester and you know what that means--FOOTBALL
It was the first game and we were going up against UCLA, it was kind of a big a deal to us. I mean...EVERYONE goes to the first game. I meet up at my brother fadi house for he can escort us on out-- Muslim friends make the best designated drivers. Before we go he says he has to go by this girl's apartment and pick her up. Her name's SHREYA...I had met her once previously, she seemed cool....and her apartment was 10min away from campus so I was like "whatever".
lemme tell you something about SHREYA.
She looks like this:
Talks like this:
And acts like this:
So we get there and it's only a matter of a few minutes before her apartment turned into a club. Had bottle service, loud music, strobe lights-- the works. Just lounging around doing what normal college kids do before a game. Pre-gaming, listening to music, pretending we know how to cook, lying about our GPA's, dry humping inadament objects-- huh, what? why would someone hump an inadament object? yeah....about that
See, as I was exploring her apartment I came across her bedroom. Now, this was by far one of the most comfortable beds I've ever seen. lemme explain. When you see a nice a car, you want to test drive it. When you hold a good pair of shoes, you want to try them on. I saw this bed-- and my brain said HUMP....HUMP like you've never HUMPED before. and that's what I did...I dry humped the shit out that mattress!!
After about a good 10minutes of humping I realized I was utterly alone....so I went to search for my camel riding companion. Turns out it was medicine time because they were both perched out on the padio not doing a damn thing....but smiling really hard. see, my friends suffer from a crippling case of glaucoma, and I just wouldn't be a good friend if I let them go unsupervised.
And this is where things turned into an episode of that 70's show. I mean, all the characters were there.
We had the crazy cute girl:
and me, the sarcastic Dork:
We were having so much fun we almost forgot about the Game. We ended up leaving shreya behind because the vodka had knocked that poor girl right out. She said she'd meet us up there and we were just like "coool!". We didn't want to bring sand to the beach anyway.
maybe it was because I was under the influence--BUT, my bro fadi and I had a bonding experience out this world. and we've had a lot of gay moments together so that's really saying something. We're in the car driving to the game and we just feel GOOD. we already had girls waiting for us at the game so our phones are just blowin up...Fadi's driving for me because he won't let me drive drunk. I think he even told me he loved me! pandora's playing all our favorite songs....then "alive" by P.O.D came on...and we just started JAMMING.
I even stuck my head out the window!!
So we pull up in a parking spot, a pretty damn good one too. And Fadi starts putting on his school I.D badge, ya'noe, cause all students get in free. He's on his phone telling someone how we'll be right up, meanwhile I'm pulling out my wallet for my school I.D....pulling out my wallet...... pulling out my wallet.......WHERE THE FUCK IS MY WALLET!!???
Pat my pockets. check back pocket. under the car seat. open up the car door and look under the car. no wallet. ladies and gentlemen--- SHIT JUST GOT REAL!! Fadi and I are just really upset because we got there in perfect timing, but we cant get in if I can't find my wallet. when could I have possibly lost my wallet...it obviously fell out, but when??
Then it hit me............
AAGGHH!! I'M SUCH AN IDIIOOOOOTTT!!!!!
calm down denzel-- remember, Shreya said she was meeting us up here. call her now, maybe you can catch her before she leaves. *sigh of relief*
Oh wait-- the bitch isn't answering her phone!! AGGh!! This is where I started thinking the WORST. I was like, "oooh, that skank!". she probably ditched us on purpose!! She probably had a date today, and just needed to get rid of us for she could get dressed and leave. Or what if she was in the middle of having smokin hot sex, right now!! I just started losing it.
Luckily, my better half fadi, chilled me out. said, "look denzel, we'll just drive back and get the wallet. it's only 10min away". He was right. I was over-reacting.
So we put the pedal to the metal and drove back in complete silence. lemme tell you, no one in the history of mankind has ever sobered up as fast as we did that day....such a buzzkill. We get back to her place and we're knocking on the door for a good 8 minutes straight-- and no ones answering.
So we move over the pool area and I'm depressed as shit. I just wanted to free fall into the deep end of the pool. Then I peek over my beach chair and I'm just glaring away at this patio door when something sinister occurred to me. see, Shreya lives on the first floor.....so her patio is facing the pool. I happen to know that no one EVER locks their patio door, and there's only about a 5ft brick wall separating me from it. i'm BLACK-- I jump fences all day. so this would be cake for me.....but is it right??
I turn to fadi in these great times of moral conflict, because ya'noe, he's so morally just. and he just gives me the look...
That's all the confirmation I NEEED!! so I hopped that shit like a runaway slave.
Now, I figured there could still be a chance that this girl was still in here. like i said, she could be in the middle of passionate hot sex and I do NOT want to walk in on that. So I slid open the patio door (which was unlocked as suspected), poked my head in.....and screamed her name like a japanese porno. That's very loudly for those of you who don't watch asian porn.
No answer? coooool!!
I started going through her apartment like an old episode of MTV's roomraiders. I checked the kitchen area, living room, patio, her roommates room....everything. Just one room left-- her room. The place where the magic happened and my stupid pelvis got the best of me.Her door was closed, so I pushed it open slightly and peeped through the crack to make sure it was safe. can't be too cautious. I peeped through and saw lying on the floor, the shirt she was wearing that day, her bra, and some shorts. So i'm like, cool-- she really did have a date today. probably changed and got picked up a long time ago.
So I bust open the door and started scouring the bed for my wallet. She just had so much junk on her bed, and like a thousand and one covers. So I got frustrated and just flipped the entire cover up to save time.
omg.I probably screamed out the words "fml" about a thousand times in my head. I flipped the cover up and saw this little silhouette of a body wiggle under the cover and start to wake up. I swear I've never dropped into the feeble position so fast in my life. I could not believe this was happening. what did I get myself into!?
rest assure, there was no need to worry. you are forgetting one important fact here-- I'm a G.
So I played it cool. Improvised......
It was the best I could come up with one a split 3 second notice. bullshit you not, It actually worked. For a moment...she thought it was all a dream and started going back to sleep. had my game plan all worked out. I was gonna crawl my ass back to the door, leave the way I came, and get the FUCK outta there. That is, until she came to her senses and realized something was up.
At this point I realized I should come clean and show myself. I'd imagine waking up to weird sounds and suspecting someones in your home would be pretty terrifying, and I didn't want to scar her for life. So I was like....
You know those moments where you think things can't get any worse......................
.....And then they DO
Yeah, apparently if you cut your electricity off and sleep in your bed butt-ass-naked it saves on your light bill. fun fact.
I told him I really didn't feel like going into it and told him that I just wanted to go.
He says, "cool then, we should still be able to make the game".
me: "no, we're not going to the game"
Him: "why not!?"
Me: "Because I STILL don't have my wallet...".
after that statement, I was pretty much obligated to tell him the full story, in which he replied-- "you mean you went through all of that, and you STILL didn't find what you were looking for!??"
pretty much.
after that, he then asked me something that kinda stuck with me. He said it in a way only fadi could say it too.
No, I didn't have sex with her!!
I just wanted my wallet. Getting my money, banking cards, and personal Identification back was the only thing on my mind. funny thing is, whenever I tell this story.....everyone asks me the exact same question. at the exact same part....it makes me feel like IM the one with the messed up priorities.
well, after having the best day gone bad, this is where your real friends come to play. I told Fadi I didn't mind dropping him off at the game and picking him up later, but he refused. He's my bro, so he took it upon himself to take care of me that day. He really went all out, he decided to show me how much he cares, how much he values our friendship.
He took me to Mcdonalds......
Here, he consoled me.
Bought me a 20 pack of nuggets and we sat and had our nice "grown man" conversations. good little talk about religion, life, funny stories, and stories of him riding camels and throwing rocks from his childhood past times. It was nice.
I remember I had visited my dad that weekend. Now, my dad is a big sports fan, so he knew how big of a deal this day was for me. I remember when I got back home the first thing he said was--
"so how was the game, son?"
I looked at him real hard.....as if I was looking through him. Then I took a deep Sigh, and just walked into my room.
I am Denzel allen
This is my blog
and IamNEVERhumpingInadamentObjectsAGAIN!!!
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